Sturdley's Magical Mystical Blog

Musings on life, liberty, and the pursuit of derpiness.

Tag Archives: Shutdown 2013

Day Fourteen: Independence!

It has been two weeks with no federal government. We cannot live with this much lawless freedom, so I am declaring independence. I have named my new nation Sturdleysblogistan.
We are a brutal dictatorship run on the tears of oppressed children.
If we think you look suspicious, we’ll tase your ass.
Our religion is Derpianity, and if you blaspheme, you will be punished.
Our police force is the most honest on the planet.

So come visit us. I’m offering a special to the first 100 people that apply for citizenship: my own personal jackboot on your neck for a full five minutes with a commemorative autographed photo free of charge. After the first 100, everyone gets only one minute and the photo isn’t autographed.  You can’t get that kind of individualized service from just any old tyrant.

Day Thirteen

Today I was forced to endure a torturous and demented cultural celebration: a children’s birthday party at one of those kid-themed game restaurants. I’m fairly sure these sprung up when the shutdown started because there is no way these things could be legal. Within the span of a few hours I saw exquisite joy and suffering beyond imagination. I saw sheer terror and total confusion. I was completely immersed in chaos.
I wonder if this is how Congress functions on a daily basis…

Day Twelve

This shutdown is starting to weigh heavily on me.  So many lives and families being destroyed.  Many of my friends must choose between feeding themselves or hanging out with me.  Guess what the losers are picking?  NSABob hasn’t been on iSpy in quite a while.  It’s so lonely here, but I have just learned of a sure-fire way to make more friends.  I shall ponder this while drinking my pumpkin ale.


Day Eleven

Having second thoughts about the chickens. I might have to give them a section on the blog and I just can’t stand the political views of poultry. I only want to devour their unborn, not hear their silly pleas for chicks’ rights and their anti-fox rhetoric. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.

Anyway, with Halloween fast approaching, I’ve been giving my costume a lot of thought. I considered The Doctor, but that would be a bit expensive to put together. Then I saw that the Skokie PD is doing some pretty convincing gore at really reasonable prices. They’re probably trying to make up for lost federal grants or something. I will be seriously considering this option.

Day Ten

It’s been about a week since we’ve had eggs, and the local shop is almost out of chicken. We’ve been avoiding that, though.
I started constructing a chicken coop out of scrap materials laying around the garage. Tomorrow I will head out in search of some hens. I’m still kicking myself for not planning ahead for this. I just know it’s going to be far more expensive now than it would have been last month.
On the bright side, at least I’m not “dead“.

Day Nine

I have not mowed the grass in several weeks, mainly because I saw this coming and decided stockpiling gas was necessary. The lawn-nazi neighbor has been giving me the stink-eye for the last few days. He’s mowed three times since this thing started. Buddy, you’ll be sorry when your gas is gone, so don’t come begging for mine.
In other news, I received a real snail-mail letter from NSABob today. He says he’s usually not allowed to correspond like that, but his supervisor was furloughed and he thought he could get away with it. Anyway, the reason he hasn’t been on iSpy is because his hard drive crashed and their IT department is focused on “bigger fish” at the moment. I’m just glad to hear he’s still ok.
Oh, and his portobello burgers were delicious, and he’ll be sending the recipe as soon as his PC is up an running again.

Day Eight

Three more countries popped up in iSpy IM this morning, and they didn’t want to chat either. What’s the point? Maybe I’ll just go fishing instead.
I went to the post office earlier on the off chance I could send a letter to NSABob. There were two angry mobs in the parking lot shouting at each other about who was to blame for our post office being closed. Curious if it was true, I went to the door and it opened. The groups stopped yelling and gaped in astonishment for a few seconds before going back to their screaming. They must have been having too much fun to bother with getting stamps or sending letters.

Day Seven

This morning when I turned on my computer, I was surprised by a new development.
You see, I use a program called iSpy Instant Messenger. It’s a neat program that allows you to chat with all the secret government agents who have hacked into your machine.
Up until the shutdown, I had frequent conversations with NSABob about barbecuing. He’s an avid outdoor cooker, and has three different rigs to cook on, but I digress (it’s because I miss him).
Today, I see two new folks in the messenger window, one from Russia and one from China. Unfortunately for me, neither of them was interested in chatting about food or cats or even boating. They seemed confused about my inquiries, and eventually both of them asked me to shut up and let them get back to work. Bah on your work ethics.
I hope congress gets this funding thing worked out soon, I really do miss Bob. I also want to hear how his triple-cheese portobello burgers turned out.

Day Six

Today is quiet, almost too quiet.  We will recheck our food and water stockpiles, then rest from the wild events of the last week.

Day Five

Pop-tart guy rolled up this morning in one of these:

armored-golf-cartHe said the rest of the group has about a dozen more.  We met up with them about a mile down the road, then marched into town to confront our vile enemy.  Once they caught sight of us, most of them soiled themselves and fled.  The remaining few were easily rounded up and are being held in the upper jungle gym cage at the local children’s park.  There is concern we may be kicked out of the park, but so far this has not been a problem.

I’ve already been hearing talk of what to do next.  A few people are advocating marching all the way to Washington to fill in the power void that’s been left since the federal government has disintegrated.  Hopefully they can govern better than they mow their lawns…